i n k d r o p s - no'mo.

a little bit of sun, a little bit of water, oxygen, and maybe fertilizer?

2009-09-14T23:54:00.000+08:00

I need to grow up. ASAP. Seriously (my favorite word!). All this shit I'm feeling, I'm obsessing about, I'm being scared of or being emotional about, is all sooo high school. It's disgusting. Seriously.

Who the F cares, right? I'm gonna be okay. Stupid. It's stupid and disgusting. It's about time I shouldn't give a damn.

No bs. (Someone teach me how!) Enough already.

Fo'shizzle.

2009-09-07T22:59:00.000+08:00

I can only speak for myself, I'm the type who often hesitates to go first--in anything. I like gestures driven by initiative. That's enough for me to gauge how much I matter or if I matter--at all. It's kind of selfish when you think about it, but to me NO. Because in exchange for that initiative, I give whatever I can times two or three or ten. My hesitation roots from fear. I'm afraid of knowing I don't have anything after all. Or I'm not anything after all. In friendship for example, knowing the latter would shatter me because if I am one, it's understood that I just need a little nudge, a little poke, hell just a soft flick and I'm in. Someone once asked me, "so you wouldn't even make an effort?" And I ~~answered~~ questioned, "but I thought friendship should be effortless?" But that's just an example *winks.

To cut it short, I am a very wary person. And very observant. I know where to place myself. To make up for it which I don't think will ever change any time soon, I am generous. And I mean it objectively (although not financially) but still.

Especially when everyone knows I never left, I'm just around. And some keep forgetting.

so ze countdown beginz

2009-09-06T23:33:00.003+08:00

Owroyt. September! To tell you the truth, the whole month or so that I wasn't able to write anything here isn't much. Yes, I'm loving work, I love it to bits. And the people (some forbidden argh stop it!) too. Anyway. The whole month this month, I'm gonna be busier because because.

I went to mass today, the first time in 4 months. And after snooping around some people's online conversations, I read one line which to me is very true: "...pray with a heart so open that you don't pray for something specific" that you pray for His will and leave everything up to Him. And you know what, it works. I'm still waiting on that whatever it is that I'm waiting for.

It's around my time of the month again, argh damn it. My mood just won't let up. I'm irritable, I'm sensitive (I'm seriously having an emotional episode boo), I'm always hungry, I'm having breakouts. Come on. And yes, this is me being emotional. And I'm cold.

So then, I'm looking forward to new surprises and blessings though :) I just have that feeling (cue BEP). Let's do this! Let's go September! Let's go life! (and love, have life! hahaha)

i know there's a reason for everything

2009-08-02T03:34:00.010+08:00

..I just won't know them all. So. The working life. It's pretty neat, couldn't complain (yet-wait til I become my sulky whiny self again hahaa lol). Just missing sleep for the most part, meaning I miss sleep. I used to be with it at least 9 hours a day--I know right. But wth, change is good. But you know, I feel like this isn't my bus stop yet. And I am kind of frustrated with myself because I know there's more out there. And I want more. It makes me really disheartened when I see other people get/reach it, and here I am -just here. Yet, I know there's that one day. Maybe there's actually that one glorious day.

Don't get me wrong, again, I'm not complaining. I am very thankful for such a good opportunity. I'm just curious, ambitious I guess. And as reasons go, where I am now (like where I am working) is making me really think hard, and figure out where my bus should go (yes bus, cos our trains only go straight). But the thing is, I know where, I just don't know how else. How else??? I'm scared it might pull me down and I barely began anything. Yikes.

But again, I'm loving this new part (boo PCD).

!!!

2009-07-19T13:22:00.002+08:00

Let's do this.

(aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!)

.

let's do this

2009-07-17T22:44:00.003+08:00

I opened a new bank account this (floody) morning, and because it was raining insane, I just wore them khaki shorts, a blue shirt with robotic monkeys printed, rubber shoes and a hoody. Fortunately, not a lot bothered to come to the banks today. And then the woman asked me, "Ma'am, regular account po or Atm?" I said, "atm po.." and then she continued, "Ilang taon ka na?" I said, "21 po.." and then she goes, " ahh ay kala ko pwede ka pa sa junior savings namin.."

My point being, robotic monkeys are not the way to go when you want to establish authority. LOL. No, but this actually made me think. As some of you know, an establishment has already risked hiring me. For some out of this world reason, they decided they want me to be associated with their name hence, this kid shall start on Monday.

I am, above all thankful. And petrified. I do realize I am kind of still a kid at heart and I look at the world the same way a 5-year old does. If it's shiny, touch it. I'm just scared cos I feel like it's going to be freshman year all over again. I love how I know I'm going to learn so much from this. But I just don't know if... fine. All I can say is this, no matter what happens, I'm gonna get it done one way or another. Hand me the challenge. Let's do this.

/looks up

insobriety

2009-07-13T09:50:00.003+08:00

I'm just thankful I'm part of this family. I mean it's pretty elusive, pretty esoteric. It's really cool. They're all really really cool. I don't get to see them as often as I want to (*lonely little girl stigma* again) but whenever we do, it's always great. I love how intelligent and witty and funny they are. I love them.

And not to mention, I love them so much more when they're all tipsy and noisy. Haha.

Like Closa for example, the other night, when everyone else went home, I continued rambling about my stupid fear of getting lost or whatever. Before I got picked up by my friend, she gave me two strong lines, backed up by alcohol in her system:

"You can't be wondering what's happening with your life if you're not doing anything about it," and "Next thing you have to do [is figure out] what is your execution going to be with this one. I just don't want you to go through a phase that's harder than this."

I mean come on. Sometimes you have to wonder, is alcohol like, a mineral drink to Closa? I almost cried when she flung out those words on me, because she was dead serious and I was feeling the weight of this little issue I'm currently battling with. Thanks Clos.

These women, including (let's disguise her by the name) Ash, I've know them since my first day in college, and they were all there until I became an officer, until I made my thesis, my graduation, until I went elsewhere. Although they rarely give me advise which would not call on the attention of police authorities or syndicates (haha), I really admire them for going after what they really want. I admire them for being where they are, for who they are. The things I learn when I'm with them. Endless. One day, I want to be just like them. I wish. But that's like, a loooong way to go. I hope I can catch up. Yikes.

i just said it

2009-07-10T00:20:00.003+08:00

I said I am sensitive, and really, I meant it. Damn. If I had a choice, I wouldn't want to be like this. I just.. I just hate being left out, you know? Or wait-- I wouldn't understand why, but I can accept it. What I hate is the feeling after I find I was left out, or the implication of it. Yea yea, it speaks immensely of my incredible insecurity and 'constant need of assurance' problem, but like I said, it's part of who I am, it's natural for me to be that way. It sucks. Especially if it's in my face, outright. Might as well say you don't want to be friends at all, and then I couldn't care less. I really really wouldn't. So. Wot's it then?

Anyway, jeeze those people. One word: Civility.

s i d e n o t e s

~But yea, another blessing the other day. This time I'm totally fulfilling my promise. I'm really thankful I can go about my life now without fear or anything.. Aaaaah I'm just elated.

~I was watching Conan the other day and I can't believe Alanis Morissette is actually hella dumb. Srsly. And she was incredibly dull as a guest. I'm sorry fans, I'm not hating, I'm just telling the awful truth. In the beginning of the show, Conan even jokingly warned the audience it was going to be a dumb show, in the act of simply deprecating himself. Sadly, haha it did become such a dumb episode now I feel bad for the producers and the live audience (they didn't deserve that) and feel irritation toward all his guests.

So it goes like this, first guest was Howie Mendel, who in all his airtime talked about nothing but how he finds women stupid because of how we shop. Like, wtf right??? And also some other perverted things which disgusted me. AAAAAAAAny waaaaaay. So Alanis. Conan goes, "so I know you've been traveling a lot, unlike me who has to stay in one place most of the time, and you've been to so many places. I heard you've been to the Philippines, I've never been there, could you tell us about your visit to the Philippines?" (at this point I was actually excited, we got mentioned on the Tonight Show as a decent topic) And then Alanis goes..." Well yes, it was fun. I remember I was in Jakarta in a hotel..." and she goes on about a monkey in Jakarta, Philippines apparently. Stupid!!! Gosh, I swear. I mean come on. And from the non-verbal cues of Conan (a magna cum laude of Harvard) that by lack of choice, he just went along with it and didn't bother correcting her out of respect to not embarrass and point out her mistake. Sheesh, for a renouned writer, Alanis, you should read more I think.

Haha just wanted to share that. Thoughts?

trying here

2009-07-02T21:33:00.002+08:00

There are moments when strength is the ultimate company. Actually, in every moment, it is. Well, in almost every moment. Yet sometimes we forget that being or attempting to be strong is not without effort, not without faith. The effort has to come from something, faith too. But right now, for all the world to see, I don't think I have it in me to be strong no more..at least for now. Does that mean I put out no effort? Does that mean my faith withered?

I'd like to believe no, and no. I believe we are strong, but we are not strong all the time. My faith remains, my hope is still crawling, I'm just too tired to be strong right now. For some reason, I just can't anymore and it scares me so much.

There, I said it. I need direction, I need clarity. I need protection. I need affection. I need eyes that do not judge. I need a hug.

---EDIT: Well maybe there isn't any other way but to remain strong. Labo.

not again.

2009-07-01T19:22:00.002+08:00

Um um um.

"[After years of trying hard to stand each other, or after some time with your "friends"] You're at the age where who you really are begins to solidify and establish itself, who you are now is who you're going to be from this day on. And you end up drifting apart from who you used to be with constantly because you find out eventually you don't like them after all."

The writer who wrote that line from the show I heard it from is totally wicked. True, huh?

Anyway. I better write this down already, on the false pretense that it's going to help me deal with it a lot easier. I hardly slept on some nights replaying it figuring out every single second. So. I think I did something hideously stupid not too long ago to this person which I believe freaked him out! This is what happens when I f*cking put my guard down and decide to begin to thaw myself and put stupidself out there. Oh my. On my innocent defense, as in honestly, I just really expressed my appreciation. Btw, for the record it was nothing carnal okaaaay. Let's just get it out of the way. So. And it's freaking me out that (I think) it's freaked him out! Totally embarrassing. Ew I hurl every time I remember. Aaaah seriously. I hope, I pray to God that by some form of miracle, he talks to me again.

*Shrieking
*Squealing

P.S. Oh, if I ever die, I would please like the song "She's Got A Way" by Billy Joel to be played. (I'm serious)

if all else fail.. i'm just sayin'

2009-06-28T00:18:00.007+08:00

So I've been kind of 3/4-heartedly trying to squeeze myself in the so-called "professional world" already. You know, the amateur way -- lurking on head hunting sites and peeping through their horrific nooks and crannies just to see if I can get a shot. In a day, I probably send out my beautiful (ahem ahem) resume to at least 5-10 companies (but only when I'm in the mood to bury myself alive in front of my computer for hours). And in those 10 companies, lucky if I even get one call back (sometimes I don't even like the company or the position, I just tried it maybe out of whim). And then, most of the time it gets terrifying to open my mail because a)there might be the confirmation of the "perfect" job or b)I might not have any new messages at all. But sometimes, it's also fun to see messages of other companies who took interest in my qualifications inspite of everything else...like this one, take note of the 4th message I got, from the top:

So, like, at least I have other options, you know?

*click to enlarge*

a moment of silence (or not)

2009-06-23T09:14:00.007+08:00

Rediscovery. This is what I realized I have been doing in the last...8 months or so? Something like that. But I haven't been paying much attention to myself lately. I also realized that. I mean, in my purest sense, I believe I wasn't able to do so. Because of my failure to listen to my silent screams or uptight hesitations, I became more care--free or less (in this case they mean the same to me). There was a point where I lost most of who I was for simply being too willing for most parts. Well, some of you know my stories, and maybe God just really cared for me so much that he never made you abandon me. Most of you stood by, maybe found my choices a bit difficult to understand, but not one moment existed where I wasn't able to laugh to smile when creatures like you surround me.

It's kind of refreshing to see a few long entries once in a while, yes? Anyway, so yeah I guess it was mission accomplished after all--like when I finished school last October, I remember I said I'm not ready to work just yet, and I'll probably take time off to rest or to have fun or to find some answers what not. I thought I wasted the months I took, bumming (although not entirely) around and going out, and dating, and vacationing and doing the family business that instead I could have just found a job and had myself at least an 8-month worth of savings. But now, I'm glad I didn't. I love the fact that I'm getting a better, more forgiving sense of myself.

For instance, just now I woke up, went downstairs and looked for the mum. Vicky said she went out to get something fixed. I realized I will really always be mommy's little girl no matter what. I just don't like the feeling of waking up and then she's not there. Like how I would always cry in the 90s every morning when I wake up and she went to the office already. That said, unwilling as I am to admit, I am a sensitive person. I can be very emotional at times, over thinking things and I don't like it, but I can't help it. Like how one song--one little line can turn my mood around completely. Or how one unassuming smile can make my day. I am very vulnerable, and I find it excruciatingly difficult to be such with another person. I know, your general psychology notes must come handy at this time. Maybe I am just used to being the little one for most people, the youngest, the babygirl as I have been all my life in my family and for most of my circles.

So what was my point? Oh. So I think, knowing little bits of stuff like this will make it easier for me to not break during this really scary transition period I am going through. I realized, frickin' cliche as it is, listening to yourself can actually save you from self-destruction or getting hit by bus. Yesterday, I had this interview and the woman asked me something about what learning I am taking with me after so much experiences. My answer surprised me as well as it was the only thing I could think of: Acceptance. And I told her, "knowing that you are capable of (the act of) acceptance can make a big difference with how you see things now and how you plan the next steps you would take after finally learning to accept something you have been struggling with." And then the credits rolled. Haha whatever. Don't mind this thing.

back.

2009-06-11T22:35:00.002+08:00

freakout time.

need job, money, people who love me around, lose weight, job money, inspiration.

need drive.

heeelp.

i'm back, and i wanna leave again right at this moment.

but i'm on quarantine. psh.

maybe it's because..

2009-06-10T01:49:00.003+08:00

Okay I'm gonna try to post more photos (either here or in my other portals), or try to shoot some more and post it. I just lost the habit of taking photos lately for reasons I could not explain. I just recently realized the value of keeping visuals of memories or of events especially when it's with people I love being with. I need a name for my new-last February-camera. Maybe that's the reason why I haven't been too attached with it (unlike my old cam which is with mom already)---I don't have anything to call it so I don't feel too close to it. Hahaha. I'm not crazy, I know it's a thing not human, but still aren't gadgets sometimes better than some human beings? True, yeah? I think so.

So. More photos (hopefully).

Any name ideas? (Should be a real name)

And on with my photo projects ;)

untitled

2009-06-03T04:04:00.002+08:00

Went cherry picking this weekend. And went to Reno (no ~~money~~ time for Vegas) to visit my aunt and her family. Reno, is a small town, sustained by casinos and buffets. Ugh I'm never eating at a buffet ever again. Dang. That's what we did all weekend, gamble (well, I just tried, a the slot machine --- lost $10. Ten fricking dollars.) And eat. But good fun. But I loved cherry picking. and loved cherries! so cute :) Oh going home next week na. Yay!

acceptance

2009-05-28T23:43:00.003+08:00

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning. Now I'm here to stay, love can be so boring. Nothing's quite the same now, I just say your name now.. But it's not so bad..You're only the best I ever had. You don't want me back, you're just the best I ever had. So you stole my world, now I'm just a phony. Remembering the boy leaves me down and lonely. Send it in a letter, make yourself feel better. But it's not so bad, you're only the best I ever had. You don't need me back--you're just the best I ever had. And it may take some time to patch me up inside, but I can't take it so I run away and hide. And I may find in time that you were always right, you're always right.. So you sailed away into a grey sky morning. Now I'm here to stay, love can be so boring.

What was it you wanted? Could it be I'm haunted?

(Best I Ever Had - Vertical Horizon)

the stanford experience

2009-05-17T13:42:00.002+08:00

It was cold but what the heck, it got warmer than the Philippines when it was my turn! Why did they have to ask too much questions? Are they my panelist? Haha. It was fantastic, and I can safely say I delivered. Wuhoo! Thanks Closie for the huge help! Thank you God, thank you guys for your encouragements ;)

pr104

2009-05-14T09:40:00.004+08:00

Okay, here we go. Leaving tonight at 1030PM. All set, packed up (like you wouldn't believe LOL) and ready for this trip. This one where surprisingly, I'm not quite sure about anything really. It's gonna be long trip, a long journey and blargh. I'm nervous for Saturday (Sunday here) but what the heck, I'm ready.

I'm hoping that things will turn out better than I expect them to. I'm excited and nervous, and anxious all at once. But hey, am I not most of the time? See, I can never have too much soul searching. No such thing! This time, it's just me. Omg! Flying alone! (and lonely?) haha. Wtf.

I guess I'll see you around, pray for me, and I'll be crossing my fingers that this'd be a blast.

Let's do this. Peace.

bs

2009-05-03T01:09:00.003+08:00

A lot of annoyingly irritating people right nooooow. Omg. Idiots. Psshhhh aaaaaargh.

in a nutshell

2009-04-27T17:09:00.002+08:00

It's a little rough these days I gotta say. I've been better, but I may have been worse too. Family is not doing so good, a separation always hurts someone, and it's never easy for everyone involved. It's safe to say I guess, that I should be a better daughter and a sister--the least and best I can do. You know how I always say, it sucks when you can't do anything to help someone with her/his problems. Well, it does suck. I wish I can take some of the pain they're feeling, or all of the pain I suppose, I sit well with misery after all. I mean, better that I feel it instead of them cos now, I feel twice the grief.

Also, today I found that I'd be presenting our thesis to a university in the U.S. alone, as my other group mate was denied on her Visa application (the other one couldn't go at all since). It is heartbreaking, not that I can't do it alone--I can (I think), but it will be easier and happier if I had someone to share the experience with--especially the very people I went to heaven and hell with for 2 years because of it. So. S.U., here I come =/

And then, an international school called me up this afternoon for a teaching demo tomorrow. I may have to cancel my application since I won't make it for the opening of this school year. Useless if I get hired (hahaha assuming that they will find me worth hiring). Anyway, I was asked to prepare a 20-minute demo on topic: Age of Reason. Wot?!!! Okay when I heard that, I swear I forgot to breathe. Hahaha. Damn, feels like all that I took in school isn't in what's left of the grey matter in my head anymore (yes grey matter, just the membrane over the brain, cos yknow, I'm not even sure if I do still have a thing called 'bahrain' or is it a country? LOL). I will have to look for other opportunities when I get back though so, there's some hope.

Aaaack. Bah. Tsk. I hope things here at home will get better.

willing it toward me

2009-04-22T12:10:00.008+08:00

This is an awesome line, coming from the wall climbing queen (A). I love it.

So. Alright, you know how sometimes, going with the flow is the best thing on earth? Well, right now, it kinda gets a little old. To me at least. But, because I am willing it toward me, my 'GWTF' days shall soon diminish by about over 50%. I have now a plan, unstable, erratic but I've got it.

So in a few weeks I'll be going to the U.S. for some academic, and yes, personal reasons. This is where I'm expecting that clarity any moment from now. I'm pacing myself, cos some people trust me enough that I can do what I'm supposed to do over there and at least not suck at it..after all, I could always play the 'passing out' skit.

And then, after that, I'm heading over to see someone I haven't seen in a really really long time. Well, lately we've been talking and keepin in touch again. It's just, there's a certain familiarity that comes with our (used to be estranged) relationship and now, it seems as though it was never gone--just well, um, stored elsewhere I think. It is definite that after that, it will again take years for us to see each other or be together again since he's doing things over there and I'm all the way back here. He even bought me the plane ticket just so it would push through..where I'll be staying is about 8 hours from his place by land, and 4 hours by plane. Different counties. I didn't expect he'd do that, actually I wasn't expecting anything. It's kinda weird, a good kind of weird though. I stopped him when he offered to fly over to where I am and just get a hotel while there--I mean, I'm not one to pass on really good offers but you know, I'm not that heartless either..It's actually an unnecessary feat plus with their economy going bonkers and all..it's not such a good idea. So a visit to his base is good enough, I'm hoping I could see a lot of cool stuff too like launchpads, crash planes or whatev. So there.

/fingers crossed

And then of course, when reality hits me back, I'll be on my way home in a month or so. That's when the ~~master~~ wait, the one above is the master plan, so.. again. When I get home, that's when my plan ~~will~~ should follow suit: Job hunting. And then, hopefully, I'll be on the right track again.

And I am so willing it toward me. There is after all, this thing called, the "Self-fulfilling Prophecy."

/evil laugh

Bwahahahaha...a.a.a.ahh..ah.ahh..

anyway.

2009-04-21T00:19:00.002+08:00

Countdown begins. Go!

Clarity.
Clarity.
Clarity.
Clarity.
Clarity.
Sensibility.
Direction.

Come to me!

crap.

2009-04-09T23:50:00.006+08:00

-click image if interested (or to enlarge whatev.)-

But I was doing so good. ~~I don't even want to blog this, but I don't know who else to tell it to. Seriously, it's so pathetic. Really? I mean..come on.~~

finally

2009-04-01T01:41:00.009+08:00

Four and a half years in the making. Whew! Soaked in our own filth, this is me and Gabie after the graduation rites. Damn, those togas are hell. Literally!

This is for my mom, for everything you did for me and our family. You deserve all the love in this world. I owe you who I am.

Congrats to my (semi) batchmates, my thesisloves and my psych barkada. Let's go!

---EDIT: I just found out thru our department chair that our thesis, "Extraversion, Life Satisfaction, and Gender as Predictors of Situational Humor Response Among Filipino Young Adults" (phew!) was accepted in the annual Stanford University Undergraduate Psychology Conference in California, USA. We would be presenting along with few of my fellow psych classmates, whose papers were also considered. Omg! I know this isn't a big deal but..still! Only 85 researches got in all over the world. This is such a wonderful reward after all that bs and hardwork and i-almost-broke-down-and-gave-up moments during the whole process. Weee :)

My buds/groupmates Gabie & Kat along with our Research Panel :)
After our terrifying defense in December 19, 2008.

"signs"(with the quotation marks, yes.)

2009-03-21T08:57:00.009+08:00

Shot by Closa 2009

I guess that beach trip helped me out somehow. Although I wasn't able to think much about some other things except how dark I got, and what I should eat next, at least it cleared my head a little. I was able to leave the stuff I needed to think about while I was there. And the people I was with certainly made it a lot easier.

Aside: My trip to Puerto Galera is so far one of the best yet. Because the 3 people I was with were so much fun to be with and I mean ridiculously fun. They pose no pressure on you with what we should do next (except when people are hungry, then that's a different story--we eat, or someone dies.) They don't really care what other people think, but care with other people do with their camera phones, and cameras (duh.) In short, I anticipate more trips with them in the future, more trips with these bunch of crazies.

Moving on with the signs. Remember, when I was done with all my academic units last October, I really didn't feel like working yet. I mean, I needed a break from all the chaos of (pseudo-)intellectual thinking etc. And plus, everyone told me to take a break for at least a few months before I even start thinking about job hunting. And so I did. I did all sorts of things, I went to all these places. One of the most recent and unforgettable ones would be my Singapore trip (I know, I can't seem to get past it..because!) But, here goes my point. When I came back from Singapore, I was able to figure out that that particular trip may actually be a "sign."I loved the place so much that I actually wanted to live there. Hence, living there meant working there. I immediately began searching for job openings there (along with other companies outside SNG). That was the first sign I thought I needed to heed. I discovered I wanted to go out and be in other places other than here. I needed to earn money to do that. The sign that I needed to work.

But of course, being the lousy me, the drive died down after a few attempts at nothing and a million resumes sent out. (Another reason why I never want to be in any HR field despite it being the closest career I could get hired for..) But after 2 weeks, I got a message from one of the international companies of the country, I was in for an interview. Of course, this was an offer I couldn't refuse so I went. I thought, damn, with all the training and experience I had, piece of cake, right? Poor me. Of course, I didn't get in. They were apparently looking for something other than what I had. It was a stab right on my chest. I thought I was about to go into depression just because. That was a harsh one. Another sign. A harsh sign at that. I probably wasn't fit for a job like that. So to hell with them.

I forgot to mention that a few days before I sent out all my resumes (it was Ash Wednesday), I went to church with my mother and brother. I did pray for an opportunity. That was all I asked. An opportunity. And after a few days, there was that interview. I mean, how great can He be? I prayed and he answered immediately. I mean, sure I didn't get in but that was my problem, but he provided me with an opportunity and it was probably up to me to decide what to do next. And what came next is still lingering with me now, my latest dilemma. After that dreaded experience, after a few days, again (what's the rush, right?) I got 2 offers. Both out of the country. One is for a position as a writer in a new middle eastern hair beauty magazine. The other, as an assistant to a company which provides school supplies in Asia. I still have to check with the second position as to what their final offer is, but with the first one, I got their offer and I should say, it's fair enough.

I'm at an incredible loss right now, actually. I mean, I don't know if I'm ready to leave all the people I love here behind, I don't know if I can stand by my decision once I make it. Both job offers don't actually fit my educational background (at some point). I'd like to think I still have so much things I want to do before I really take the leap into the world of money ~~laundering~~ making. Which is why, I want to go back to the beach and just swim this all away. Maybe the sea snake that almost bit me will get a thrill of it, yeah?

Wow, can't believe I finally got around writing a longer entry. Hahaha. Sooooo.

terrible at signs

2009-03-19T13:24:00.003+08:00

I always pray that He give me a sign with the things I should do with my life. The thing is, I'm terrible at deciphering these "signs." Some people would kick me in the arse and tell me, what more signs do I have to see?

Argh. This is bad. I'll write more about it later. If I get around it, I'm incredibly lazy and lousy these days damn it.

Ayusin ang buhay, JD.

/trailing.

P.S. I miss Closa & Amanda rarr.

heart whole

2009-02-25T15:07:00.003+08:00

Like I said before, even when I haven't been there yet, I learned to love Singapore - ever bit of it. And finally, now that I was able to walk on its land, drive on its roads, smell its people, eat its food, and see its beauty, I can no longer ask for more except maybe, the opportunity to live there. It's small, almost like just the whole Metro Manila which is perfect because it's all intimate and I've already memorized a little my way around (through the MRT). People are great, they don't stare, they don't make you feel weird or something. It's totally cool.

This whole trip made me feel more determined than ever. I want to go back. I will go back.

oke'lah!

2009-02-22T00:00:00.004+08:00

The thing about traveling is that aside from the usual "tourist" explorations you get to experience, it's more of the trip itself that counts--and the things you discover yourself about that place (good or bad)... like booking online is actually sometimes better than just magically appearing at the front desk of a hotel; like never being afraid to ask for every single thing; like smiling to people (or the locals) whenever they look at you funny especially when they think you dress funny. Stuff like that. And lastly, discovering that memory is an important aspect of traveling especially when remembering the streets to go in order to return alive to your hotel. hahaha. having a grand time, now is Serangoon.

p.s. Clos, sorry i wasn't answering your call cos man, it'll cost you a fortune if i did while i'm here. see you soon pare!

better hurry!

2009-02-20T09:36:00.002+08:00

*no time to rotate pic!!!*

here at the business center of the hotel we're staying at. just want to say i'm still alive and feeling fantastic and and... happy. with my nephew gaby now, gotta logout in a few minutes cos it's damn expensive 15 ringgit for 3omins! wtf. so from kuala lumpur, goodbye and see you again later!

(blow whistle) !!!!

2009-02-16T15:53:00.001+08:00

Let's live it. Go!!!!! See you again in a few days, hopefully.

/winks

just two?

2009-02-04T13:55:00.002+08:00

The thing about being here in the ~~province~~--no wait, it kind of actually feels weird calling it that when what it actually is is my other home (town)--so again: The thing about being way up here at home is that time moves incredibly sssLllllooooowwwwwww. Like now, I just woke up from what felt like an awfully long nap around past 1pm earlier and then found out that it's just turned 2pm. WTF?! I swear I dreamt all sorts of dreams already and this read arm mark on my forehead. And yet, here I am at 2:03 blogging from our shop. It's got to be the breeziness of this place, it pulls down your eyelids shut. HA.

hardly ever there yet

2009-01-29T16:09:00.003+08:00

Aw man. I have to start planning soon. About the future. Something sensible. But in the mean time, I'm still here in the wintery mountains of my province. Where it's always cold. I wonder why. Shout out to all y'all. Be back soon :)

With my cutie little niece. Cuuute.

crap.

2009-01-11T19:23:00.003+08:00

Kendra (my sexy laptop) is sick. I think I have an idea what I did that made her not respond to the internet, and no it's not the modem because here I am typing my disclaimer on my mother's dusty desktop unit. But not the point. Anyway, she's not really so much as broken but just a little dysfunctional. I'm getting her fixed. And until then, the internet famine begins today. I'll see you people around, kay?

Thank God for DVDs.

And thank God for House. He's beautiful.

Byerz.

beautiful

2009-01-02T20:31:00.010+08:00

Ah the title seems appropriate. I got this beautiful meme from a beautiful friend and here goes.

Take a picture of one of your favorite poems, quotes or any literature. Don’t just copy and paste it in an entry like it’s usually done. Be creative. If possible, leave a link in this page so we can see everyone’s pictures. Post as many as you want, whenever you fancy. :)

Well, mine isn't really anything of a poetry or quote. But, a beautiful piece of literature. I think I've mentioned it here a few years ago, my favorite novel of all time--Lolita. See, over the years I worked hard not to break its spine, it's like, it's sacred. Hihi. Yeah well, coming from a sectarian high school and female-empowering college, it's probably a hideous profession of taste. I mean come on. It's ~~practically~~ no wait, it is pedophile yeah? But see, it's more than that. To me at least, it's a heartbreaking love story. Damn. And plus, are you kidding me with the writing?! It's brilliant! And it's actually very funny (in some parts).

-Cried with him in this one-

Got this from Unbound Pages.

goodbye, hullo.

2009-01-01T23:53:00.005+08:00

Colors! Looks like a marshmallow. Well I'm a minimalist, I love love details of color against flashy white. Bite me.

Happy and blessed new year, boys and girls. What a year that was, huh. I'm actually thinkin of putting this site down already. Or I don't know. I guess, if you've been following, I've been nothing but a confused, lost, and potentially-challenged slug since I could remember. I can't seem to find what I should be finding. Rarr. And I'm not getting any younger!!!!!!! But y'know, I'm still (as always) figuring things out. I really wish I could at one point get to the end of the 'figuring out' part. It would be great, to say the least.

Other than my impossibility, I thank Him for all that have been and all that were.

To a blurry, yet hopeful lucky 2009.

Still searching for clarity.

Cheers!

xx

perspectives

2008-12-10T20:34:00.002+08:00

I have so much questions (and surprisingly-fortunately, answers of my own too) in my mind now.

Death. Love. Future. Success. Family. Faith. Fate. Destiny. Reasons. Life.

All sorts of things, that I'm finding a new lease of sensibility for every single wondering. Maybe I am getting ~~older~~ more mature, more intelligent about my own perspectives. I am actually relieved to be able to acknowledge this experience of enlightenment. Or maybe it has also something to do with a wisdom tooth growing in my left jaw end, as I've discovered earlier in the shower. Who knows.

I'm in that phase now, I guess, discerning every single ray of life that I am being in. Or one of the many more phases to come, I should say, but whatever, I'm shutting up now.

nightmare at christmas and birthday

2008-11-28T13:19:00.002+08:00

It's true what my good friend Inna said, "It's easier when you talk to friends about it, but it's heartbreaking when you're one to be part of it," referring to family issues only the people in it are the only ones who could really understand and feel the pain. I mean, thank God for this happy disposition I have, managing to break into jokes and laugh at most things around me. I can't put into words the frustration, the pain, the fright, the anger, and the irritation I have for that drunk bastard.

The moment he EVER, even just by a strand of hair, hurts my mother, I will be the first of your friends to be ever sent to jail. I'm not a minor anymore. She's hurting as it is, and nothing is more excruciating when you know that she refuses to show weakness.

I loathe his fucking guts. Drown in alcohol you stupid ass.

stacked

2008-11-23T18:29:00.007+08:00

I've been literally out the past days due to a playful fever, with a lot of mucus and sprouting coughs every now and then. For a while back I thought I had blown too much of my brain because my head hurt consistently. I'm not yet better, but I can read now, having just finished Denial by Keith Ablow (with them glasses of course haha).

Ken (a Palm Treo 750 pocket pc) and Mr. 2600 ( Nokia mobile)

Anyhoo, I'm kind of in a dilemma all of a sudden by this little thing: Whether to switch back to my pda phone from my normal mobile phone. See, I found my pda (or as I called him Ken back then) incredibly useful during my student days--more like an extension of my life for years with all the deadlines and reminders and whatnots. And then, after my last final examination just last October (pardon me for beaming :P) I switched to the other phone (of which I have no name for, it being normal and all ha.) because I wouldn't be needing reminders anymore would I? I felt fine using it but for some reason I also felt incomplete, or anxious whenever I have the impulse (note: impulse--it's beyond me people! ohmy) to save any random information I saw relevant to my life or its non-existence at the moment. My pda displays how many taks I have left undone, the upcoming events et cetera, like it's just there. But with the other phone, I have to rely on my own memory (which is dangerous right then and there). Yes, Mr. 2600 has notes/calendar but it's not the same y'know? I have to press and press to get there, unlike Ken who happens to also be touch-screen. Aaaack. And so, to top it all off, I confess that I have actually (and unfortunately) been used to listing things I needed to do down in order to remember and accomplish them. One reason I tried switching to the other phone so I could break off that 'dependency'. Or breakaway from the irony of being at my virginal tender age paired with my unbelievably rusty-your-grandma-probably-remembers-better-than-me gyri storage. No? I don't want to be like this forever, but what if I can't.. I am trying but-but..despite me using Mr. 2600, I am actually maintaing a little whiteboard with eraser and marker by my vanity mirror so I still get reminded (of little things- buying printer inks, or personal agenda; or stuff my mother needs me for like bank stuff and running errands!). See my point? Could anyone manage to be with me--who has to feed everything into a digital machine so she would stay on top of things? I mean in the long run?

Yikes.

The mini white board
(notice the great big calendar behind it; and if you look at it closer, there are notes on it too!)

but..but.

2008-11-12T19:01:00.007+08:00

Earlier today mother left to go get some groceries. After a few minutes, she texted me. It was so cute. Haha.

Mum: Sino kumanta ng "what about now.what about today!"
Me: Daughtry. Si Chris Daughtry? The bald one from American Idol?
Mum: Ilagay mo mamaya sa cellphone ko ha. Ganda eh.
Me: Err, ok. I'll download it later.

On another note. Disclaimer: This is just a useless rant.

I hate being told of something I'm led to believe in, and eventually expect. Because! Why tell me something you assure me you're certain of, and then end up forgetting it after all. I hate the feeling because here I am hoping you'd do what you've said, and then the day passes and poof. Nothing. Today's Wednesday, remember??? I know I should cut you some slack, but this keeps on happening to me, how about picking up that stupid mobile phone and pressing some keys?

i'll say.

2008-11-12T13:36:00.018+08:00

So I'm back in Manila for a few days before retreating back to the mountains of my roots. Um err, Quezon province to be exact, of which I am partly hoping to be a first lady of one day or another bwahahaha. I have a ~~mouth-full~~ hand-full to tell you, I must say, with the things I encountered in my life over the past few weeks. And in general summary, here I go:

my relative, whom I have wept for over and over again and had almost died of anxiety (see this) is doing better, but we need to keep a strict eye on him, which is why I was also hesitant to come back to Manila that soon.
we've put up a huge Christmas tree downstairs at the reception area already, I decorated the whole thing, the tree's white with blue and silver ornaments, and some yellow and wine colored fake poinsettia flowers.
I still haven't done anything yet, career-wise, I mean the little things one should accomplish for the subtle transition from being a student into someone who is not a student anymore hehehe. I'll get there, I just take longer to warm up.
I am now shoved into the position/role/inevitable responsibility of being a part-time "manager"/"supervisor"/"additional help" in the family business. First job: Book the season giveaways: Check. Downpayment on Friday :)
This is way too late to announce but I am back to being a brunette, I figured channeling the role of blondie was too much effort (which is just a fancy excuse for having financial difficulty in maintaining them roots hehehe)
I met up with rocker boy (you-know-who) just the other day and well, I don't know what to say.

Anyway, I have always been the youngest in most circles I get in. I am after all, the youngest in my whole family of almost 20+ children all in all, with 5 years being the nearest gap. Which probably explains my petname "bunso" from all of them. Ha. And then in some circles in school or extra curriculars except with my HS gang of which I am just the 3rd youngest hehe. At any rate, the stigma comes with the package deal of how I am treated: I am the most protected, I am the most thought of, warned, scolded for petty things, I am the most considered, other times, I am spoiled. I must say, I love love love the feeling. But at times, it gets a little alarming. I'm turning 21 in a month and that's an adult age already. However, I feel that the age doesn't stick with me. I feel the same as when I was 14 or 16. I feel like I think the same, I make decisions as though I'm still the naive little girl who knows at the back of her mind that someone is surely out there to rescue her no matter what. And that scares me. I'm supposed to be mature enough to take care of myself but in all honesty, I still think that I can't do it. I'm done with college darnit, and diba dapat I'm supposed to have figured out where things should go and what things I should do, say and think already? I feel like a child, constantly needing someone else to tell me what to do. But the thing is, I know I have it in me, it's just I'm too helpless to go give it myself. Pathetic. And in my current "pseudo-relationships," it definitely shows. I had this emotional (to me it was) talk with a very good friend/mentor/sister/ate a few days ago, at Dencio's. All the more I have been aware of where I currently stand, and it opened my eyes about things that I should consider aside from myself. How selfish of me to be looking for a relationship not fully understanding my motives for wanting/needing one. This is where a mature person would certainly agree that those things I acted out of in the past, it was not love, it was merely just a self-absorbed idea of it. It made me realize that I desperately need to grow--urgently. Typing this alone is quite therapeutic I should say, you know I am most comfortable with simply drowning myself in words. And just like that, I realized that for a person to want to "move on" (quotations are on a bargain haha!) there is the greater need to grow, because moving forward means taking a step away from how things used to be. And moving on is exactly that, growing and getting smarter about how things should be. And until I become fully aware of things that are, that should, that will, that must..I guess I better remain silent. The next part is, learning how to grow. Ideas?

cominghomecoming

2008-11-02T12:49:00.009+08:00

Seashores - Infanta, Quezon

I'm home for a little bit. With the rest of the Floras and the Valderramas and all the people here. I'm still in shock they have internet here already. Here, where I am most safe. I think.

sidenotes

2008-10-28T23:40:00.005+08:00

I just saw Bamboo play live, and for the first time in like forever, he sang "Himala" a Rivermaya ultimate classic. It was a damn great 8-minute moment. I held my breath the whole time.

The power of music. Of great musicians. That's what music is suppose to make you feel, like it stops time, it actually makes you forget the things you're thinking of. It makes you lose yourself in the ambient state of its divine sound, of its enthralling words.

Which is why I adore band music above all. There's something captivating in the whole ensemble that makes you feel euphoric all of a sudden within the first three beats immediately. The rawness of the sound, the genuineness of it, like it draws you. The dynamics of it all is so interesting and amusing--the coordination, the drama, the technicality, the greatness of a group of people being able to lift your spirit, cease the heart beat and give you a different kind of high. It's just simply fantastic.

And every band has their own signature sounds, the moment you hear it, you know it's them. Bamboo has that strong drum structure, and dramatic guitar riffs. Urbandub has an almost eerie yet robust rhythms and heavy electrics and of course a word class set of lyrics. Sugarfree...ahh. my personal love..they're basically 3-piece, rhythm-bass-drums. Yet they have a thick sound, like they're 5-piece or something. Galing. Sugarfree has hard, fast, cymbals-heavy drum structure and simple guitar riffs which make them unique because nobody else sounds like them. Pupil is quite refreshing; ~~crazy~~ heavy on guitars-heavy rhythms, on the serious rock side, and they make other band members sing. Parokya is minimalist, simple everything, but Chito makes all the difference. Up Dharma Down--they're one beautiful and very different kind of story. Very digital, underground-ish almost trance-like rhythms you know it can only be them. Sandwich is tame, a little pop, they have keyboards too, rythms are catchy--very Sandwich.

And a lot of other bands. I can go on for hours, also I have my international favorites. But that would be in a different entry. Those are just some of the bands I listen to, in no particular order. Just a thought. It just amazes me, to be exact at the talents of people like them, add to that the ability to make life music. Or make music life.

will you look at that..

2008-10-27T01:39:00.003+08:00

Maybe I was reading too much of some stuff lately that I can't help but tell you guys what I just found out minutes ago. There is actually such a thing as sugar abuse. Yes, yes you read right.

According to Dr. Elson M. Haas,M.D. (redundant? I'm not really sure) of the Univ. of Michigan, "Sugar often replaces other, more nutritious foods, and it weakens our tissue health and body resistance. Microorganisms and insects love sweet, simple sugar foods, and a sweet diet allows greater infestation with bacteria, fungi, and parasites, and then will support their growth, which may weaken our immunity."

The sugar I am talking about are those things we shove in our mouths like orally fixated whachamacalits. From cane sugar, to candies, chocos, sodas, honey, cookies, cake, liquor, and the one I am admitting my guilt to--juices.

You can notice withdrawal symptoms such as headaches, visual disturbance, blurry vision (uh-oh), anxiety, hyperventilation, rage, cravings, weakness, inability to concentrate, depression (ow???) and delirium as we may often times ignore.

Not alarming you..especially those whom I believe are also guilty. Hahaha. But, the study said that reduction is suggested. I'm after your sanity and health too. Capiche? Good.

/winks

sometimes smiling doesn't even help

2008-10-25T16:02:00.005+08:00

I've been doing better than the other days of endless sulking. Probably cos the human eyes can only flood a room with so much tears, then, like a well it also dries up. Frankly, I still don't know what to do, about everything, I mean that and the other things going on in my life (or the lack of it) right now. Oh by the way, new layout! (I figured you may have noticed, at least ^^) I better use up the coming week good because for all I know, I could be flown someplace where 24-hours internet isn't heard of. So yeah, from there I'll try to make sense of some stuff. It just gets me thinking, some things are just not worth escaping.

and then it hits you me, us, them

2008-10-19T10:20:00.005+08:00

I watch those TMZ celebrity thingies on cable and it amuses me at how easy one person can just get in and out of rehab like it's a restaurant or something. And amuses me further when that person didn't get any better.

Now, I don't find it so much amusing anymore. Or at all. Or ever. Especially when you're one to be part of that kind of intervention. I will not go further into details but in summary, a family member has relapsed into addiction problems and the family decided to bring that person into a facility that can make things better. It was just this morning we arrived at the decision, and I didn't know I had that much tears. I love that person so much, you know? And it's hard, really f*cking hard to see that person struggle and even harder to see that person actually choose drugs over us, the family who was never gone.

It gives me all the more a new perspective on things. Kinda makes me pinch myself and ask if this isn't a dream. I think you all know me for loving my family so much, but I've never been this vulnerable..it throws my Psych background in the dump all of a sudden. All those classes in Psych Interventions, we even had to role play. I even got the part where I was the one who would head the intervention. Damnit. And you all know we also have alcoholism in the family. Can't get any more rad than that huh? You gotta love my family. After all at the end of the day, they're the ones you got rain or shine.

And until you experience things like these, all those other stupid things become even more stupid than they actually are.

Prayers everyone.

keep walkin

2008-10-03T21:29:00.005+08:00

You know when you're walking, your hands sway repeatedly front to back, front to back.

It's an unconscious reflex. Then, picture this.

You're walking, off from the train on a tiring Friday night, with a hundred other people in a crowd, going home or some place else. Everyone is in a hurry. And because there are a lot of people, everyone is so damn close to each other. Like less than a foot from you in every direction. And then, as you're walking, your hand is on its way swinging to the back--and it hits something.

In that split-second of a moment, you feel something. Something you know just doesn't feel right, like there's a mass of something bulging from somewhere. And then, you pretend like nothing happened; you continue to walk and your hands continue to sway. And then the person you hit walks past you.
And the person (also pretending like nothing happened) is guy.

Come'on.

quick like a quickie

2008-09-28T17:07:00.007+08:00

Like I said, this will be quick.

I forget how much I love reading, and how much I adore writing--I mean, the good kind. The kind I always fantasized I may (someday) be capable of. I forget how much I love movies, and series. I forget how much I melt when I go wander around and pester others with my idiotic suggestions, or punchlines, or serious advices that for some reason turn out as jokes (I don't know why).

I forget how much I love life. People, places, friends. Books, DVDs, Dishwalla, Sugarfree, impromptu getawayz.
I'm gonna love 'em more soon. I just can't wait (despite of course, the blinding fear I am currently still going through).

Sunny afternoons in school

just 'cause.

2008-09-23T18:36:00.009+08:00

I deserve this graduation as much as everyone else does. I actually even deserved this one semester ago. This is not so I could put off thousands of papers and researches and projects already, but because it's about time I give something back to my mother and finally rid her of insanely expensive tuition fees and worries. That is at least one less burden off of her tired shoulders. And to be given a stupid reason--which is clearly not my fault--and possibly be stopped in this part of the mission is something I can not accept. It's not even like I strolled and ate pink cotton candy the whole time I was in school..I've never worked harder as a student. And then recall who was the last, the very last person who got cleared last sem. Tell me. It's going to happen, even if I flood every other office with my tears and words.

let's get this over with already

2008-09-14T22:14:00.000+08:00

Ready, go.

No, wait—words are scrambling in my tongue and head.

Ok go.

The truth is, I am massively petrified—immeasurably petrified of everything that’s going on. Yes, I know there are issues grimmer, more severe than this, but for me this is painfully frightening. It’s all going to be different now. I mean, this thing called life, my life, our lives. Life.

I’ve been in school for 13 years, thirteen! That is like more than a decade of our life and now, it’s about to end. Like for good, not a summer break or a sem break or a long weekend kinda sort. Gradeschool follows highschool (or middle school) and then college. It has been my life literally. I grew up almost in school, learned everything while in school, well not everything but you know what I mean. Like all along the goal is to get done with every level, like playing Dynomite or whatever. We always knew what comes next, we always knew what to do next (somehow), what we should do—to accomplish what’s in front of us. And then now, college is almost over, and I have no idea what follows after this. I’m sure you’re all cursing me for even writing about this, but I’m dead serious. Now what? I have no idea. When we were little, some of us wanted to be pilots, dentists, doctors blah blah, but really, when the real thing hits you, it’s not that easy to decide. Things have changed since we were blowing bubbles or picking our noses.
I a m s c a r e d. Life now isn’t about just choosing black or white.

I am scared because for all my life, I always knew what to do next, where to go next, how to do things next. I am scared because all my life I have tried to achieve things I know I could. I am scared because all my life there is just this one direction that even if I close my eyes, I would still know which way to take to get there. I am scared because all my life, I somehow always got things. I am scared because all my life, people always felt that I probably would know how to figure things out, to find my way out. And now, that thing I call “all my life” is now turning into just that “part of my life.” Ending college is making me have all these thoughts I don’t even know where it’s coming from. And the sad thing is that, all of a sudden, it all happened while I wasn’t paying attention because I was busy finishing my report or doing my project. I want to know how I even got here. I know those of you who have finally settled with the dough you’re drinking, what you want to do, and with the jobs you have are probably thinking, I will get over this. Of course I will, and I should. But to get to that part, I need to start somewhere. Because this part—right at this moment is my next beginning. When we were young, we had grown ups ushering us where to go or what to choose, but now I am the grown up. I have to usher my self into the “real world” (I don’t even know why they call it that, what, the world in school isn’t real?) which I heard, isn’t so friendly to newbies. I am not even sure I know how to begin something I am not prepared for. I am totally overwhelmed. I know I am destined for greater things, I just know. I feel it. But I am so scared of falling down, of failing, of not knowing where to go and what to do next, I am so scared of getting lost and taking trails I probably shouldn’t have—and discover it in the middle of it all. Aaaaargh.

I want to know why I am here. I want to know what my worth is. I have a big dream and it frustrates me knowing that I am just a minute particle of this mammoth earth which I might not be able to embrace. It means I have to let go of a lot of things, much like I have to take hold of new things. I am not sure I can do that—yet or ever. I am not sure about anything. Ugh, what is this?! Even my thesis is insanely easier than this. Making decisions has never been this torturous.

I have always lived my life with whatever is here now, the present. I wasn’t one of those who’d do things now so it will mark their future, in months, or years. It’s day by day for me, and not 10 years from now. Which is probably why I have always submitted papers on the deadline itself, never a week earlier or even a day earlier. Ha. Very psych. Psssh. Will you just look at that. And these just tell me all the more how much different I am now, than how I was when I didn’t know any better. I need to do some serious thinking. I need to prepare myself for the actual “living”. Damnit, why’d I ever grow up? Damnit! I used to never care about this, why did I have to get older?

Can’t we just stop the world for a while?

so close, yet so far, but i'm already tired

2008-09-13T00:39:00.005+08:00

Marco said, that night he also broke the ironically-almost-same-sad-story to me (off a punk's shirt, he saw)--

"You have a million things to do, don't let the pain stop you."

But why me? :'-(

endingstarting somewhere

2008-09-10T21:04:00.010+08:00

My study desk.

It has to start somewhere.

The thing is, I wouldn't know if it had begun already. I'm forever sick and tired of this and it just would not end. Like I'm ~~graduating~~ already for crying out loud.

My friend, she once said that when it came to her, she couldn't blog. Like she's just not into the whole blogging thing; she reckons it's too personal. And who could blame her? This thing has brought me into all sorts of trouble you can think of, like you wouldn't believe. But then on the other hand, it gives me this inexplicable feeling when I disclose all my truths to the world, and it's like I can say anything and whatever I want without worrying how people will react, or what they will think or do about my words. People will be reading, probably in a separate tag together with their multiplies, mails, and I'm guessing plagiari-tic escapades. It's like they read and they move on, but they already have with them a tinge of what I'm feeling or saying. Without even letting me know, which I love, because after pouring my heart out, the least I expect are judgmental predicaments of similar lost spirits.

So again, it has to start somewhere.

Endless scrubbing.

hearts beating

2008-09-07T00:00:00.008+08:00

Ooops. We really had to thank God for this. He knows the reasons, why how what when where. He is the greatest.

I’m sorry.
She’s sorry.
We’re sorry.
Sorry.

I have to admit, I was nervous before tonight, Baguio suddenly became colder than I remembered.

Truth be known, I am a loving, but sometimes over-protective and sensitive and impulsive bitch. But I never wanted distance from anyone. Rather, this stands as an ode for freedom, respect, gratitude, apology and silence—for all the good times and friendship we’ve shared through the years. I am certain that we all learned a thing or two from each other (I surely did!) and from this, and that alone is a gift we can all take to ourselves and be thankful for. Whatever I have, I am offering. I thank you, and I too, am sorry for whatever I did (or did not) do and whatever I said (or did not) say. I pray that all our hearts be well (in all its sub-dimensions hehe and I mean it so sincerely because after all, I still know), and may we all finally move on from this as changed, better, more sensitive, more hilarious and definitely hotter people than that part of the hurdle.

Love prevailed ^^

point by point

2008-09-01T00:13:00.001+08:00

I'll post something soon, lemme just gather my effed-up thoughts and smoothied emotions. Point, by point.

august 18

2008-08-18T07:43:00.002+08:00

Happy birthday mum!

coming soon

2008-08-14T11:12:00.003+08:00

Wait-- it's still in my head, can't get ..it.. out... !

love. sigh.

People: Stop being oh so cynical about every single thing. The world does not and will not ever revolve around your pretty mugshots or yer freshly gymned bods. Howkey? And stop being so punk, stop turning everything into an emo festival. C'mon, it's okay to do it once in a while, but every day? I can't imagine the feeling. And plus, eyeliners only look good on selected few. (ahem). Don't we all get Discovery Channel? The world is an awesome place. Let's keep it that way. Peace!

final cat

2008-08-10T01:34:00.004+08:00

Get well soon, baby boy. We love'ya.

begging for mercy

2008-08-08T18:46:00.006+08:00

I'm telling you, it's the economy.

Well, inflation (or recession--whichever) + bein a student (unemployed) + doing the thesis (more like spending crazy amounts of money for photocopying and printing) = need for a whole lot more dough.

'Ya think it's easy being a student--think again. Especially if you live like a million miles from school and what you spend for transportation and school expenses are disgustingly more than what you eat (if I'm lucky, at least one meal plus drink). And I couldn't ask the mother for more because I just could not bring myself to do that. It would be cruel and inappropriate and surely inconsiderate. And so I'm doing the best I can to cut my own costs, oh the horror. I bought this pen in June, and luckily it's still with me. It better last me until the last day of October. (oh please oh please oh please)

Aaaaaaaand. May I sincerely apologize with all my broken heart to those whom I still owe money to...I promise I'll pay you when am able...I will never run away. It's just, I'm having a hard time getting a grip on my P---.00 allowance to last me a whole week barely alive. Sooo sorry, I hope you still love me.

I know, to some of you it's nothing or just mere change, but to me it's like a whole lot. Here's a breakdown by the way:

Money I owe *****: P1,500
Money I owe ****: P2,500
Money I owe *****: P200++
Add'l thesis expense next week: P500
Grad pic downpayment next week: P1,500++
Creative shot ensemble: P1,000++
TBS: P2,000++ (but this one maybe I won't go)
Yearbook: P1,700

Now does anyone get it? Ugh. Poverty.

bliss at 4o'clock

2008-08-07T18:23:00.005+08:00

Took this off my PDA (I keep forgetting the DG), going home. Ugh, like this never happens in the MRT anymore. I felt like I wanted to lie down the center of the train cart. Damnit. See all the space??? The first time I got to sit ever in 2 months.

over and over again and again

2008-08-06T19:41:00.005+08:00

Why do I have this feeling that things aren't like what they used to be--again. I'm known for being quite paranoid, but the humid air around tells me it's not just my suspicion. Having said that, might I also claim my incredible capacity to accept; this time maybe only few creatures probably know it but now I'm telling you. Ergo, I accept that things inevitably change, and people among all else, do/will change. But can I at least get a grip of the facts that at one point could tell me what has happened and how it should end?

So I conclude, things will never be the same again. Ever.

If we must know, all of us are partly responsible for wherever we find ourselves now or even yesterday. If it helps, I think I know mine, I knew what they were, albeit shadily in some corners.

If dropping it (whatever it is) is the game, then the third thing I'm claiming tonight is that my hands could very well return to my pockets.

But..really..why?

hey 80s kids

2008-08-05T20:54:00.004+08:00

I was on my way home earlier and this little boy gets inside the jeepney (apparently to wipe our feet and ask for coins) and all of a sudden bursts singing, "Long - distaaaaaaaaance! On and on ayvhwejope;ekh..hmmm!!!!! (something like that)"

Until I got home, the tune kept playing and I went crazy figuring out wtf it was.And then I realized...all along in my friggin subconscious, he was singing this (Ha!):

jadie 5 facts!

2008-08-02T02:13:00.002+08:00

Alrightie. So I was watching things on yuchoob and landed on some Filipino channels (represent!). They were doing the 5 facts thingy at the moment. And so, because of my detrimental self-consciousness, I'd rather blog it than yuchoob it. Slick.

Well you boyz en gels prolly know like a lot already about this loozah but hey, here are 5 more useless things I'd like to share with y'all. /winks

5 - I have an uncanny ability to remember names accurately. Like even if I dunno the person, even if s/he is just someone from someone else's story.

4 - I don't wash my hair everyday. Like eww right?! But it helps with maintenance especially since I'm all dyed up blond-ish.

3 - My tattoo at the back says the numbers 818 which stands for the bday of the mom. August 18.

2 - I take a sh*t very consistently-like every morning immediately when I wake up. My stomach like growls as if I did something to it. It's like the morning ritual, I actually do it more regularly than washing my face or brushing them teeth. Wahahaha.

and finally

1 - Everyday in school I have a default snack: Vegetable egg roll swimming in vinegar. The acidity pumps me up for reasons I have yet to find out. And I only eat the ones found on the 3rd floor of MMJ building in my beloved (ahem) iskool.

Peace.

distractiondistracted

2008-07-31T00:15:00.003+08:00

It's 12:24 AM now and I'm supposed to be encoding the data of my thesis into this thing SPSS. I've already scored everything, and now I just need to type it. But! I just can't yet. I'm too distracted. Okay, well maybe, I'm procrastinating again I think. Like now, I'm blogging and eating spaghetti and sausage. And I couldn't even touch them papers. Too many distractions! Or maybe I'm easily distracted. My attention span is like, by a breath (at least these days.)

i don't even know whats the point of this entry. i told u im distracted. i just blogged a bit to say "hey readers, im still alive (unfortunately)".

i want this part of tha life be done already. fast forward please? let's go travel already!

seriously

2008-07-22T21:48:00.005+08:00

I had no classes today, teachers were out. Decided to shop a bit of course, by myself, because I like it that way. No one can ever cloud my decisions as to why I never wear loud colors or that my closet is exploding with whites, browns, blacks, and beiges. Fantastic. So anyway I was checking out some make-up stuff trying on things...

JD: Checkin me self in the mirror because how come my teeth looked golden in that lipstick?

A FUCKING FOREIGN BASTARDIC SHITHEAD (FFBS) APPROACHES AND GOES WAY
BEYOND THE LEGAL DISTANCE A SHITHEAD MUST KEEP FROM A POTENTIALLY VIOLENT AND LOUD WOMAN.

FFBS (In a creepy Indian accent): Excuse me, but I find you (really) sexy...

JD (shouting): Oh my God! Shut up! and then runs toward the saleslady screeching.

Saleslady: Ma'am? Eto po, try niyo!

So how was your day? :D

sirfries

2008-07-12T18:17:00.002+08:00

Long week. Whew. Oh by the way, I so love this song---err, rap thingy with Ne-Yo in it. It's called Bust It Baby part 2 soo cute.

Anyhoo.

Despite inevitably having shitty people around, the presence of fantastic (fallen) angels around me really make even my corniest lines snap. Or work? whatever. Weee. Hey, you know I've been stood up and screwed over by a couple of ~~people~~ ants previously and sadly I found myself screwing some other ants too. But I heard it won't do any good, so I've been told. Change of ways maybe. Change of ways.

So how have you fireflies been? I've been sick last week remember so y'all take extra care, bring umbrellas-jackets-fans-better yet take meds and drink soups if you start to feel funky. Howkey?

You know you love me. Hahahaha
Bust it baby. P.S. I love mommy =)

today

2008-07-03T08:42:00.001+08:00

I've been sick for 2 days now and I'm not feeling any better. I hope this goes away soon.

crap.

2008-06-25T20:22:00.004+08:00

On some days, it's like the feast of irritation. Like I need to carry with me Calamine lotion all the time to keep me from itching. There are those who just simply rub me the wrong f*cking way. Crap. Just crap. Argh, I want things to be done already. I am so over all of it.
I need my mommy.

shaking what my momma gave me

2008-06-23T12:56:00.011+08:00

Forget it. It seems I'm never gonna be able to go back to being at least 5 lbs. lighter. Like c'mon, are you really going to blame me for my passion with food? I think the old saying goes the other way around for me: I live to eat. Food is the best thing there is in this world (and maybe beaches, naps, and good kisses every now and then). I'm on a tough battle right now. Should I quit attempting to diet? Should I still crawl my ass off in trying to lose weight? Tough. Really is.

If you don't know, I hail from a family which passes on hefty amounts of flesh to every offspring of every generation. Not to mention our genetic knack for cooking. Everyone in the family knows how---yes, even the boys, even me (I just rarely do it well, I am severely lazy). And oh, have you seen my beautiful mother? I mean, she has some serious curves--I guess, if I so look like her, it must be that I'm shaped like her (except I'm younger and well, maybe taller). Although it's seriously hard for me to admit that I CAN NEVER EVER BE SKINNY (ohh God) I think I should really begin to learn to accept it. I am really, as in really totally seriously tragically fleshy. The curves that I've got, they're pretty fierce. You gotta love God for making me this height, at least. Let's do this. I'm huggin my hips, thighs, chest, cheeks, plump arms, torso and everything else in between. It's not like I'm unattractive, I guess. Some bastards perhaps do appreciate the thickness but that's not even it. It's just not that easy to get comfortable with immediately. I went shopping for jeans the other week and I nearly passed out when I whispered to the clerk the size I'm looking for. I'm doing my own boot camp. It will take some getting used to, but this time I'll try to shake what my hot momma has given me.

And plus, these chicks, they have some serious curves too. And they're all beautiful. I've been interested with them because I've always been thick...it's just sometimes difficult (on my stupid ego) when I'm constantly surrounded by anorexic people. When you're in my school, like you can't imagine. I don't idolize them, I just admire them for being real and truly beautiful.
/sigh

Beyonce

Kat Heigl

Scarlett Jo

psh

2008-06-18T18:49:00.002+08:00

BOS won. Damnit. During Mandarin class I couldn't stay still. I left home during the 3rd quarter. I should've known!

But then..Pierce is kinda hot. Haha. He is hot!

*Back to your regular programming*

first stop: Singapore

2008-06-16T18:20:00.004+08:00

Lakers won game 5 today (cue trumpets) wuhoo! I bet it's a race till game 7. And I bet Fischer (my hero) and his men will win. Bwahahaha.

The other day, we had this corny introduction part for one of my classes, you know--the one where you say your name, course, expectations blah blah and shit. Remember? I know most of you my evil friends have graduated already but you can't claim you can't remember. You just can't! Right? Hehe. Anyway, this sets-off-a-sorta-weird-manly-aura professor of ours added one thing: Plans after graduation. And he decided that it should start at the back where yours truly usually sits in every class because apparently, eating, drinking and texting at the back is quite legal. Ha.

And I realized. I still have no plans after I'm done with college! Omg. Like seriously.

I actually secretly want to be a doctor. Or a teacher. And the more feasible one is of course, the latter. But that's like so idealistic, I don't even plan on taking up my MA any time soon.

I really want to travel. I want to soak up the different cultures of the different countries. I can't wait to eat their food. And shop in their streets. I so believe in living life to the fullest without the slightest doubt. Which is why because of this mantra, I often times get myself into trouble but thankfully I managed to get out of it right after haha.

I want to read again, I want to re-learn the basics. I want to dig up my old interests that have been buried because of them bloody researches, reaction papers and wotnots. Right. Travel and read. Looks like a pretty good plan. Oh, and maybe drink too. And I can't wait. Hmm.

it's day 2 and already i'm dead tired

2008-06-11T21:18:00.004+08:00

For real, dude. Plus add to that the insanely hard rainfall that nobody expected. Katipunan will not run out of bumper to bumper cars until tomorrow noon, at the very least. And let us not forget where I reside and its very sarcastic distance from my school. Poor feet, if they could talk, I'd be without dignity anymore for the rest of my life.

Anyway, like I said, it's just the second day and I feel like it's been a month or so now. Maybe it's just cos it is piercing hot all over Manila these days. It's so hot that even when your seatmate attempts to make a joke, you wouldn't find anything funny and worse, irritation rises to the point of wanting to strangle her to be quiet. It is that hot, surprisingly, hotter than me. (Hahaha too bad you couldn't say anything to me at this point :p)

On a softer note, I must say, despite what tragic horror story I got myself into over this stupid summer, I am so glad to have wonderful people around. And of course the big boy up there. Weee, just thinking about it makes me breathe deeply in appreciation :)

i need all your love..

2008-06-09T19:16:00.002+08:00

..and prayers
..and luck
..and faith
..and maybe a little magic for those who have the gift (haha)

Got school again, tomorrow's my last first day. Here we go, 5 months baby. Five months.

Waaaaah I am so freaking out. (And plus, so much tidying up to do for my grad photo.puhlease)

/kisses index and middle finger and raises 'em up looking at the sky

I need some serious joo-joo.

sucking out all the energy dammit

2008-06-07T14:19:00.003+08:00

Just now, as in minutes--seconds before I began typing this a friend dropped by. And before that, if you've noticed, I'm just minding my own business watching the last 3 episodes of Grey's Anatomy 4. I wasn't expecting anyone at the moment and then the helper comes up yelling, she said there was someone by the gate asking for me--waiting. I was completely blank-minded at that point and then I asked if it were a boy or a girl. A boy. And then quickly, I recounted those who knew how to get to my house. And also thought of those who are able to come by at this time.

I froze. Literally, my heart (again) starts shooting up and beating like there's an angry bull coming after me. Could it be???? I panicked, I was in my 'jammies for crying out loud. I haven't washed my hair yet, I had no eyeliner...almighty God, this is not happening.

And then the helper went back up, after I rushed to the washroom, combed my hair and changed my shirt at least, finally she said who it was. It was someone else. A friend. Not that I don't like friends. I just had some pretty ambitious intuition. And that person wasn't even on the list of people I thought of coming here at the time. I couldn't even come up with the solid words to describe my disappointment. Argh. Shit.

Seriously, what is wrong with me. This is not a sign of getting better, this is a sign of getting more and more insane by the day. Help me.

And of course, as I just finished another episode, I could not leave without quoting the last lines I just watched between Meredith and her shrink:

Shrink: "He's with ---now"
Meredith: "Why do you keep saying that?"
S: "Because if you can't see anything wrong with that sentence, we're never gonna get anywhere. He's with ---."
M: "Alright already he's with ---- now so what???"
S: "Because if he's with --- that means he's not with you. And do you know why he's not with you? You're scared."
M: "Are you calling me a coward?"

if i never see your face again, i don't mind cause we've gone much further that night

2008-06-07T12:01:00.002+08:00

I love the new Maroon 5 single, and plus they did it with Rihanna...coolness.

I'm finishing up season 4 of Grey's right now, and I am just on the edge of every single emotion. Don't you hate it when some songs seem like it's mocking you and your sad story? It's like, okay I get it already and then you smash the radio or your iPod. Ha. Always loved that.

Double standards, it is so f*cking cruel. Like perversion. And I'm actually in the beginning of doing an experiment. Let's just see where all this goes.

on being vain

2008-05-28T08:58:00.002+08:00

My new favorite part(s) of my anatomy are my shoulders. I still and will always love my collar bones and eyes, and sometimes, if it's nice to me--my hair. I love 'em all. But I love my shoulders. I think they all look better than my face. Darnit!

Anyhoo. I think it's terrible. Right? Oh well. Moving on -_-'

cute

2008-05-26T15:38:00.002+08:00

Might as well blog about it, err, wasn't really planning to but then I think I owe it to fate to at least write about my appreciation from a couple of days ago.

Saturday. A little after lunch.

Maybe even He thinks that I've had enough or something.

It's nice to have a bit of fresh air. It's nice to smile again. I hope it'll last a little longer.

Happy rainy afternoon, y'all.

sauce.

2008-05-23T22:33:00.005+08:00

Forget henna.

So today was something special. All of a sudden I have an orchid on my right shoulder blade.

Yeah, you know. Just had it today. You know my crappy 'no-dad-since-conception' story already right? Riiight. Well, I'm already 20, and I have lost all hope of ever meeting the bastard who left my mother knocked up. Poor guy, didn't get to see an angel turn up from his coward sperm. Hehe. (And what a coincidence: Here in the mum's room watching a tv show about a mother who doesn't want her kids to see their father. Geez.) Anyway, went to do it with her, because she also had one. How incredibly cool is that?! Mee lovey mummy.

And plus, I am after all a Flora. Literally and well, biologically? Har. My bittersweet story.

And oh, you know it's not as painful as I thought it would be. Seriously. And right now, I think you guys know what is.

/winks

yay!

2008-05-22T11:48:00.003+08:00

David Cook won AI. Wuhoo!

Anyway, summer's almost over. Shucks. That means I have to change the layout again. Grawr.

The mum says we go shopping tomorrow. Ahhh, serenity. Hehehe.

the sky feels the same

2008-05-20T19:00:00.003+08:00

All of a sudden it's raining so hard at this moment. Time check- 7pm (may20,2008 - tuesday)

The sky probably felt my rage. My fucked up anguish. If you recall, (see entry below this one) I was just expressing my elation because I only had one sem to go. A real happy moment.

It's funny how a few typed words could ruin destroy rip off all positive happy emotions you have at the time. i am just angry right now. i am super mad i don't know how to let it out.

folks, i think i've met the most idiotic moronic stupid cruel the most EVIL MAN walking on the delicate surface of this earth. i can't believe i let him touch me.

the demon does have some nice tricks. it amazes me so much at how he does it. uncanny.

Edit: I've removed the last two phrases only because it's unnecessary. Hehe. Peace!
And plus, I've got one sem to go! Weee

the final countdown

2008-05-20T18:21:00.003+08:00

It's only a matter of months now, 5 months to be exact and I'm done with school. Earlier, sir Vernon advised me for my last undergraduate semester. Nineteen units. And already I told my friend I'm getting tired by the day. But. But. All I have to remember is that it's only a matter of months now. It is. It just is. Wuhoo. Keep the beers coming. Hehehe.

/everybody please pray for my thesis okay.
/one round of the rosary won't hurt.
/chokes

so it depends on me?

2008-05-08T09:16:00.003+08:00

The other night, a bitter-sweet one at that, I braved the question: What the hell do you call this thing between us? I asked him, expecting at least a decent answer.

And he said, "Nasa sa iyo yan."

And I was like, "Whaaat?!"

I almost died in his arms. Shit.

maintenance na naman?

2008-05-03T11:44:00.003+08:00

Aargh what is going on with the communities on the net, always up for maintenance when I happen to be online. Not to mention my drafts that have been erased and the two latest entries that have been cut. Noooo.

Can I ask something?

Aren't you calling yet? C'mon dude, it's been a month already.

Edit: Of course no one's calling any time soon. I just found out at this minute that they're probably back on. Like for real. Pu%$@*%!na. Have a great life you guys. Have a great life you ass hole son of a gun.

that other one--down too

2008-04-20T14:44:00.003+08:00

Joy! Happiness! Much! Can anyone tell me why God loves me too much that it surprises me every time? I could not believe myself when it happened just a few minutes ago.. Like I wanted to cry but I wanted to laugh. I also wanted to scream and to hug someone and to dance. It was insane, I felt like I won the lottery. I can't help but smile. =)

And I came to that point where I had all these crazy things I was preparing myself for. Whew. I'm glad it's over. And well, I guess this is really the freaking time to just "Let go and let God."

Weeeeh. Happiness. I swear. I'm cleared--in school and in this one too. I love it.

one down, one to go

2008-04-18T16:10:00.003+08:00

And suddenly there was oxygen again. I can breathe (more) now. So really, what's the worse that could happen? That other one, I have yet to find out. Omigosh. But for now, let's just all jump for joy. Heee =D

Let the picture speak for itself. Happiness. Praise God. =)

the real life

2008-04-14T19:55:00.003+08:00

When you think about it, it kind of gets confusing. Let me break it down for all y'all. When you're in the middle of something terrible (oh gosh the phone rings and my heart just skipped a beat..Looord.) And it's for my brother. Damn it, I almost lost my fucking breath. Yes, yes I thought. So sue the fucking hell out of me. Anyway. I was saying, say you're in the middle of something terrible--really terrible--like you couldn't eat, nor sleep nor hardly breathe (coughcough) and then you get a text message from one of the facets of your life--say school, that there is problem with something involving you (grades, paper..whatever) and technically, it is quite striking. When do you actually draw yourself out for a second, and figure out which one is the real hard issue and which is the one that you could go ask yourself, what's the worse that could happen? It's like your heart is beating fast because it alternates every beat to each issue.

It would be fantastic if I could get away from all of this, be on an isolated beach and soak up the sun to myself..well, not by myself, I would love some company of course.

And have lots of chicken nuggets and sun tan lotion!

the cheat day

2008-04-08T20:34:00.004+08:00

Started my internship today and well, it turned out quite alright actually. I might spend all my hours there if things stay the way they are. I'm warming up to my superiors and I kinda like my share of work. Things are fine, and I just have to say, He does love me still. Thank Jesus ^^

So I was doing 'work' earlier in the office and all these signs kept popping up. Mind you, until this very moment, I'm one who still isn't sure if those things should be taken seriously or well, just be flipped off. Some moments, I really have the feeling that it can not simply be a coincidence. Some moments, I just shrug it off and think to myself, how ambitious or how pathetic. Right? Right.

So this leads me to this new paragraph. (I know.) I kind of thought or well, realized stuff (as I was surrounded with neutral walls freshly painted on my cubicle) that c o u l d i b e j u s t m a k i n g t h i n g s c o m p l i c a t e d ? I think so. All these emo-shit and sleepless nights (yea I know, eew, right? at this point I raise my white flag against being that person who pretends to hate people who get affected by this thing called --involvement--sheez, the safest word I could use) where was I? Oh. All these emo-shit and sleepless nights and sulking days and wasted drinking sessions with people who like to push how stupid and/idiotic I am for ending up like this and those moments where I'm alone and I want to faint in sadness may be a little too over thought or rated don't you think? I want to say that I do. And I want to condition myself that maybe it just is and the best I could do is just move along with it. Go with it and not think about anything else because for sure, there is an inverse relationship with what I am doing to what that person is. The more I'm thinking about it, he probably doesn't even bother blinking for it. So there. I am so hoping that I'd be able to suck out the complication that I've piled onto this idiotic thing that I drove my choices into.

So whatever. Bahala na si Batman.

Forget the diet tonight, I'm having pizza.

psshh

2008-04-03T18:09:00.002+08:00

Maybe things aren't really as bad as I think it is.

Or wait. Maybe it is?

But I refuse to be trashed. I may be drifting along just quite a bit lately, but I'm glad I'm doing okay. Seriously. Although I frequently catch myself talking alone quite often--but thank God nobody alive sees it!

I dunno. I still think life is super. Don't we all?

i love u kat and gab

2008-03-28T18:47:00.003+08:00

I geuss dnrikng dseon't hlep. So tehn, waht cuold? Sdudnely, I slitl feel bslesd. Bslesd but sad. Siht.

must read

2008-03-26T21:45:00.007+08:00

In playing any game, or well, in lashing out with life everyday, one single move determines the whole set of events that ultimately follow it. Whether you just stop at a pedestrian and let people pass by you (of course, if someone did do that, he'll be dead the next minute), or you decide to take the next train after the one in front you--a lot of things can--and will already happen. It's wild, like I can actually feel the burn of summer with every drip of sweat running down may back and still, I feel that it gets colder by the day. I can't help how I'm feeling lately, especially when almost every single thing drives the thought of me being left alone. Yes, it's paranoia.

A big part of this feeling is of course, not being able to graduate with my real batch this March. It's hell inside my chest--like I don't even know what I'm feeling. I'm angry (at myself), I'm frustrated, I'm envious, I'm lonely. And with this thought floods the rest of its repercussions. And I feel like, my shine has dulled over the years. I've lost the energy to do things because I want to, now, I'm just doing things because I have to. But then again, who cares right? Damnit.

On another story, I've had enough of this thing about that person I was sulking about a couple days back. Shit happens, right? And well, maybe that thing was just another shit. Whatever. Okay so that's beside the point already. Thing is, I think that it served its purpose for me: Know my limits. I've pushed harder than I ever did my entire life, I reckon, at least once in my life I'd like to experience the feeling of saying "at least I tried." And try I did, I guess I'd have to settle with just that--the trying part. Slowly, all the stupid things I showered on to people who unfortunately talked to me about their own shitty issues are blinking in neon lights in front of me. And I finally got to tell it to myself. If anyone wants anything, I suppose going for it is the brightest idea. And if anyone doesn't want anything else, then nothing must be done. It's that simple. And I kept ignoring it for some time now because for some reason, I didn't want to believe it. I was hoping in vain that there would be a morsel of affection left for me. And surprise, there is none. Period.

So that's that I guess. I've done everything I could, my part. My end of the bargain. My fault though, it was a terrible splurge. There'll be better days, I pray. The bottom line is, for what it's worth, I know very well that I did everything with the best of reason.

~end

EDIT: Wow, I can't believe I said this all. Seriously, sometimes I don't even recognize I'm capable of such..I don't know, essay. Gyahaha. Peace.

rarr!!!

2008-03-24T23:02:00.002+08:00

A guy friend made this for me:

Among a handful of variations they have for my name. I love it!

for real

2008-03-24T18:25:00.003+08:00

Shit tigilan na nga ang kaka-emo! Ewwwww. Furck. Eh kung hindi, eh di hindi. Lakas lang yan, lakas!

Rarr.. It's just draining the energy I'm supposed to be wasting on some other senseless things. Like, whatever. No regrets, dude. For real.

stupid phone call stupid stupid sputid

2008-03-24T15:36:00.004+08:00

Of course, I'm not her. The horror I felt. Now what should I think of? Argh. This is a sick place I drove my choices into. And my blog is again turning into this fucked up shithole that smells from a million miles away. And I could really strangle my annoying brother any minute now.

~~Sometimes,~~ Most of the time, friends tend to confuse you even more. It's not like I'm blaming my beautiful bitchez (hahahaha I always wanted to say err--write that down) for giving me misleading assumptions god-knows-where-they-get-it-from just so they could console me. And it's crazy, I can't help but laugh. And then! Aha and then, and then. A straight up conversation with one of my very few (and I mean scarce) good guy friends I have invested on slaps me with bullets of facts. If I were a gymnast, I would have backflipped all the way home. Wow.

And yet! And yet, and yet. Of course, there's always this punchline: Well, but of course it still depends on the person.

Call 911! No wait, we don't have that here. Call! . . . call. . .call McDonald's!

It's just weird and insane and incredibly amusing how complicated we make of things. When in fact, it's what we want to think of that complicates things and not what we actually see or well, feel. But of course, until the day that all of us masters the trick of isolating matters that only need the brain and matters that can use some, I don't know, help from this blood-pumping thing in our chests, then life will probably get a lot less complicated. Hell, we might even already have machines that might do the thinking for us.

Obviously, that is ultimately far from happening yet. Which is why. I am also still far from recuperating from this stupid manslaughter I have undergone. Open heart surgery in a matter of hours. Eep.

perspectives

2008-03-23T08:14:00.005+08:00

So I found out that a lot of people had their own lessons to learn and thoughts to realize over the holy week. Of course, I--exceptionally included. In a blog I just browsed some minutes ago, I saw this line (which will probably linger in my subconscious for god knows how long): "We choose the people who will be part of our lives."

And then, I thought, is it really like that? How come, in both my hands, I can count a few whom I didn't choose but have been significantly and insanely part of this life I also didn't choose to have? It's crazy when you figure out how at some idle point in our life, they managed to crawl in, without us even knowing they're already there.

Stupid paragraphs.

All of a sudden, I'm in this dump again. Not wanting to go out, not wanting to do with anything bright and shiny. That's why I so love the phrase most people often hear from me when I'm fucking off: Let's go. Normally to mock or play sarcasm with anyone I might find amusing. And then all of a sudden I'm a shithead again. Oh ged. So then, you drop the apostrophe +S and if you can spot it up there, it gives a totally new meaning. Let go.

memeing it all out

2008-03-22T13:26:00.011+08:00

Of course, still in light of my misery. Anything for me to do anything.

I. From Cor
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. JD
2. Jadie - Jadey
3. Elaine (w00t!)

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my eyes
2. my height/legs
3. my curves my smile =D

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. enormous thighs (although, thank God for Beyonce, I'm starting to love 'em)
2. my nose? (no but they're cute right??)
3. thighs!

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Filipino
2. Spanish
3. Cambodian

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Butterflies
2. Big things (i.e., whales, waves, etc)
3. Failure

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Concealer
2. iPod
3. phone

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING NOW:
1. shirt
2. headband
3. ponytail

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (RIGHT NOW):
1. Rock/Alternative- Maroon5, Dishwalla, Splender
2. RnB- Chris Brown, Beyonce, Neyo
3. OPM- Sugarfree, Urbandub, Sandwich

(Okaaaaay, that's totally cheating, but it's still in 3s!)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (RIGHT NOW):
1. Neyo - Go On Girl
2. Splender - I Think God Can Explain
3. Sugarfree - Huling Gabi

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Respect
2. Humor
3. Sexyness

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
1. I have fallen for this person.
2. I can't swim.
3. I can drink..hard.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Eyes
2. Hair
3. Smile

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Sleep
2. Sleep
3. Wait

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. See him.
2. Lose weight.
3. Talk to him.

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING/YOU’VE CONSIDERED:
1. Indie actress (wuhoo!)
2. Band singer.
3. Globe trekker

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Latin America
2. Asia
3. Europe

THREE NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Jayden
2. Joaquin
3. Gael

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Know my father
2. Have children
3. Be loved.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. I like make-up.
2. I love dressing up.
3. I don't like being sweaty.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I love jeans.
2. I stand and sit like a boy.
3. I can rap (ahahaa!)

THREE PEOPLE THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. whatevurr. 2. 3...

II. From Dhie

1. Whom did you last go out with?
** Dhie and Audz and Marge

2. What do you want to receive on your birthday?
** A car.

3. Reach your hand out to the right. What do you touch?
** Mouse.

4. What time did you sleep last night?
** 12?

5. What's the wallpaper on your computer?
** Chicken paper lemon lime!

6. What can you hear besides the computer?
** TV on hallmark channel (mom)

7. Do you agree to the saying "to Forgive is to Forget"?
** Nope.

8. When was the last time tears started to roll down your cheek?
** Just recently ^^

9. What/who makes you happy?
** That person, and um my mum ^^

10. What makes you sad?
** Ironically, that person too!

11. Where did you eat last night?
** Didn't eat.

12. What would you like to have right at this moment which seems totally impossible?
** Be with him--like really be with him.

13. Who will you turn to if you have a huge probLem?
** Depends.

14. What's your favorite song/s at the moment?
** Go On Girl nga!

15. What was the last song that kept ringing on?
** Can't remember..

16. What was the best event that happened last year?
** Actually thinking that it was over between him and me. (shit)

17. Where did you go all day yesterday?
** Stayed home.

18. Last thing you ate?
** Corned beef.

19. Who are you with?
** mom

20. Have you gone to the beach just w/ your buddies?
** Of course!

21. Do you love sunsets?
** Yup.

22. When is your b-day?
** December 26

23. What are your wishes for your birthday?
** Happiness!

24. Who do you wanna be w/ on the day of your birthday?
** loved ones (cliche haha!)

25. Have you ever felt that you've been taken for granted?
** Naman. Of course man.

26. Thing/s you regret?
** Lemme think about that.

27. Is there anything else you want to do besides answering this survey?
** Actually.

28. What's the most important sentence/s that lingers in your mind now?
** Secret!

29. Cookies n' cream or double dutch?
**Diet!

30. Chocolate cake or brazo de mercedez?
** Diet!

31. Do you like spongebob?
** Nope.

32. Do you know how to play the guitar?
** Nope.

33. Who's the last person you texted?
** Angeli.

34. KFC or Kenny Rogers?
** Kenny!

35. Beach or CAMPING?
** Beach!

36. Do you find yourself lonely?
** Yup.

37. Hotdogs or cheesedogs?
** Diet!! Argh.

38. Do you like Shawarma?
** Sometimes.

39. Is there someone you're missing right now?
** Yuhoo.

single column

2008-03-22T08:48:00.006+08:00

Um, not really used to having one column in my page. But, well, y'know..change is good.

I am going crazy. My god Seriously. Help meeeeee.

good morning good friday!

2008-03-21T08:12:00.006+08:00

1. Who are you currently texting?
* Um, no one? well, a couple of people from time to time.

2. Are you capable with answering these personal questions?
* Ha!

3. Have you ever cried and didn't know why?
* Uhh nope. I always know why. Wee.

4. When is the last time you were truly happy with your life?
* 3 days ago =)

5. Where was your default picture taken?
* The one on my header, ~~from my bedroom.~~ In Subic.

6. What is/are your favorite colors?
* White, Green, Brown.

7. What do you do when you have a bad day?
* Go home, sleep!

8. Have you ever visioned your own wedding?
* Nope.

9. When was the last time you personally made someone else cry?
* Last year? Can't remember.

10. The last time you were kissed, did you have someone else on your mind?
* Noooo. It was the very same person =)

11. Who sounds just like you?
* No one?

12. Do you believe exes can really ever be "just friends"?
* No. Sorry.

13. What are you wearing on your feet?
* Nuthin!

14. Last thing you said?
* Hindi!

15. Would you be able to date someone who had a kid with someone else?
* Depends. /shrugs

16. What have you learned recently?
* George Clooney had Bell's Palsy when he was in high school.

17. Do you make your bed every day?
* Hehe. No. Sorry!

18. Are you too shy to tell people when you're developing feelings for them?
* YES.

19. Do you use the internet or television more?
* Equally, but rarely.

20. Who messaged you last?
* Gabie, I think.

21. Do you currently hate someone?
* Nope.

22. What are your plans tomorrow or tonight?
* I wanna go out..with...with... and/or buy OJT clothes!

23. If you could pack up and leave your life now to move away, would you?
* Depends..

24. Have you ever done any acting on stage?
* Nope.

25. Do you like being in pictures?
* Not always.

26. Do you cry easily?
* Yup, punkass crybaby in da house!

27. Have you ever been more attracted to a significant other's sibling?
* So far, not yet.

28. Where is your phone?
* There, in my room.

29. Are you a romantic person?
* I dunno. Am I?

30. Do you tend to fall for people easily?
* Uhh. It's different from getting attracted, right? Then no.

31. Which person in your family are you the most like?
* Re-state the question please =)

32. Are you quick to start a fight?
* No, hell, I'm one of the nicest persons out there. Haha!

33. What is your favorite subject in school right now?
* Forensic Psych!

34. Do your parents really know YOU?
* My mother :)

35. Have you ever felt invincible?
* Never.

36. Do you always get along with your sibling(s)?
* Nope.

37. Would you rather be cheated with, or on?
* Nako..hello? No way either way!

38. Do you feel like you've got some growing up to do?
* Well.

39. Who is one friend you could tell anything to?
* Many circle of friends eh, depends who's circle I am with =)

was it the end of something beautiful?

2008-03-20T10:44:00.005+08:00

If it is, then I wouldn't have enough tears to shed.

If you're reading this, it was very beautiful. You were beautiful. I'm sure it was just some random thing you often do, but me, nothing there was random. And I'm afraid, I might not forget it.

If anything, at least I know I had you even for just a while. That's a hurtful, yet enough consolation.

Thank you, pare.

when you get home from an incredibly stressful day (especially when you're not cleared yet) and you come home to this, you just smile it all off

2008-03-12T21:36:00.004+08:00

I arrived home, my keys into my door knob, brother in adjacent room watching TV. After a few minutes, I get out of my room, hair tied up, towel and clothes on both hands. After I showered, I got out of the bath room (which was in my mother's room--the adjacent room) and you know, just over heard mother and brother conversing casually...

Mother: You know anak, I think you should get circumsized this summer already. You're old enough.

Brother: (Nervously) Huh? Is that really necessary? Why? What for mama?

Mother: Of course, all boys have to. It makes you a lot cleaner down there.

Brother: Do they chop it off or cut it? How..?

Mother: They just slice it up, no biggie.

haha! :D

we might as well just all die now

2008-03-11T18:55:00.002+08:00

Ugh I hate the Philippines--no wait. I hate the people that make me hate my country. They're pushing me to disown my nationality.

All these shitty things~
corruption
ignorance
garbage
pollution
greed
crime
lies

Let's all go to Singapore!

Seriously, I'm like so ready to live there. Wait, do they have Psych graduate programs there?

awmen.

2008-03-01T18:32:00.004+08:00

I can't believe I'm missing a whole of great concerts.

A. I've no money to buy me some tix
B. (I wish I wouldn't even have to say this but) I'm incredibly busy.
C. I've no money
D. I've no money.

It all started when Sugarfree (my boyfriends) did one with the Philharmonic orchestra, and then Beyonce (my goddess) went a here a few months back. And then last night was Ne-Yo, and then in a few weeks, would be my other boyfriends..Maroon 5. Shucks.

If Chris Brown (my husband) will come here, I might have to pawn some things...
*looks around my room

that's why i believe it's important to look at yourself first before anything else

2008-03-01T10:23:00.004+08:00

and why is it so damn hard for some to accept they're at fault?
YOU tell me.
Why is humility so scarce for some people?
Why is ego and self-absorption so abundant on the other hand?

And ergo I quote MC: Sobra na, tama na.
Utang na loob. Umayos ang dapat umayos.
Until the day you see that there's a lot wrong about you and you stop pointing every single thing that failed (which primarily is because of your own neglect, and million other excuses) to those who did nothing but deal with you even at your most difficult moment..

There'll be nothing. Thank God you're intelligent.